Who is this for?

So, I know I am cryptic.  But, considering that I don't think anyone out there reads this blog at all, who do I write this for?  I suppose me, myself and I.  And its not really cryptic to me.  So yeah.  And its a blog, so its out there for public consumption, but really, who is going to know about it anyway?  It actually makes it exciting to have this secret window into my  head open for the entire world to glance through, but no one really knows its there.  I do also realize that most of my posts are contemplative, and somewhat meloncholy, so I wonder, am I only insprired to write when I am feeling this way?  Why don't I ever write the silly funny stuff that comes to my mind.  Like how weird the word egg is.  or whatever.  I must get on that....

I do it to myself

I am seriously my own worst enemy.  I am torturing myself with stuff that is of no consequence to the now.  And the stuff that is relevant I just need to be aware of and monitor.  Got to shake it away. I just hope I am not wasting my time.  That would just be wrong on too many levels to even think about.

What I've learned

Sometimes, I forget what I KNOW. Time on this planet has taught me these things for sure:


1. Usually my gut is right, but its always best to take a step back and let that gut reaction sink in, before you say or do something that you don't really mean or haven't really thought through. I've especially found that if I don't take a step back, I can't see the bigger picture, and experience unintended consequences to my actions. It always comes back to gaining perspective.

2. There is an appropriate time for everything. There is a time to talk about a promotion, or to ask about where a relationship is going, or to confront someone about an wrong. Right NOW is a selfish and rash approach. Waiting for the right time can make the difference between a productive, honest conversation, and disaster.

3. You can only own your feelings. If something is bothering you, express it that way. Yes, maybe someone let you down, or disrespected you, but you can't change their actions. You can tell them how their actions made you feel, and they choose to change their behavior. If they choose to engage in the same behavior that upset you before, perhaps you need to reevaluate the relationship.

4. I can't control everything, and sometimes I just have to take a leap of faith.


SO I have to take a step back, take a breath, remember what I KNOW, and then take action.

A reason?

Does everything happen for a reason? Is there some cosmic force out
there helping us out? Sometimes I feel like I have to believe that
everything happens for a reason, otherwise I'd go nuts at the futility
of it. Is it my fate to miss the bus? Was I supposed to not get that
job? I suppose it's healthier to think that there's a greater reason
I don't understand yet, I suppose a level of acceptance that the
misfortunes of life are necessary, that things are meant to happen that way, for reasons that aren't clear to me yet.  Maybe the misfortune places me in a position to benefit from something else.  Maybe the bad luck just builds character. I do wonder sometimes though.    Isn't this the fundamental question everyone asks at some point?  What's the point of all this?  If anyone has some idea, please share!!
Sent from my iPhone

Tugged

Sometimes I feel tugged in a thousand different directions, I have so many obligations, responsibilities to others, and I don't feel like there is enough time in the day to get them all done, much less time for me.  I am a mom, a daughter, a student, a lawyer, a job seeker, a significant other.  Its hard to set priorities because every role demands attention, constantly, I can't slack at any thing.  I am struggling to keep all these balls in the air, and I am so anxious I am going to let one fall.  I know all I can do is take one thing at time, but it stresses me out that its 1:15pm, and I've finished my student, job seeker, mom duty for the morning, but I have a ton of lawyer duty left, and I hate that the most.  Then I have mom duty again, and then student duty tonight.  Its a never ending cycle.  Oh, boo hoo me. LOL  I just need a good night's sleep. 

Finding Direction

So often over the last few years I've talked about wanting to find the old me, the one who had energy and spark, before law school beat it out of me.  Before law school made me a grown up way before I needed or wanted to be.  Why was I in such a hurry to grow up? It seems sometimes that all I did was lose my idealism, and along with it, the belief, true or not, that I could make a difference in the world.  A year ago, I began the process of Bianca 2.0, and its amazing to see, and feel how far I've come.  I wrote once that I felt a cursor, blinkly madly with whole lot of white space in front of me, full of potential with the masterpiece the was about to be left behind.  And for so long, I felt stuck in a major bout of writer's block.  Writer's block of my life, like I was going nowhere, or nowhere I wanted to be.  Crappy place to be.
I am going somewhere now.  Not exactly sure where, still figuring that out.  I'll get back to you on that.  Go little cursor go.

soundtrack

Its late, I know, but I am contemplating this idea again, about the soundtrack of my life, and how what I am listening to reflects how I feel at that particular moment, and how hearing those songs again year later evokes so many of the feelings and emotions of those stages in my life. Last year, I was listening to a lot of meloncholy Ingrid Michaelson. I almost can't bear listen to her albums lately because I can literally feel how bad last year was. But when I think about this year, I've been listening a lot to Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson, and Eric Hutchinson, all happy, sweet, and upbeat.  I love the soundtrack of my life right now.