Tugged

Sometimes I feel tugged in a thousand different directions, I have so many obligations, responsibilities to others, and I don't feel like there is enough time in the day to get them all done, much less time for me.  I am a mom, a daughter, a student, a lawyer, a job seeker, a significant other.  Its hard to set priorities because every role demands attention, constantly, I can't slack at any thing.  I am struggling to keep all these balls in the air, and I am so anxious I am going to let one fall.  I know all I can do is take one thing at time, but it stresses me out that its 1:15pm, and I've finished my student, job seeker, mom duty for the morning, but I have a ton of lawyer duty left, and I hate that the most.  Then I have mom duty again, and then student duty tonight.  Its a never ending cycle.  Oh, boo hoo me. LOL  I just need a good night's sleep. 

Finding Direction

So often over the last few years I've talked about wanting to find the old me, the one who had energy and spark, before law school beat it out of me.  Before law school made me a grown up way before I needed or wanted to be.  Why was I in such a hurry to grow up? It seems sometimes that all I did was lose my idealism, and along with it, the belief, true or not, that I could make a difference in the world.  A year ago, I began the process of Bianca 2.0, and its amazing to see, and feel how far I've come.  I wrote once that I felt a cursor, blinkly madly with whole lot of white space in front of me, full of potential with the masterpiece the was about to be left behind.  And for so long, I felt stuck in a major bout of writer's block.  Writer's block of my life, like I was going nowhere, or nowhere I wanted to be.  Crappy place to be.
I am going somewhere now.  Not exactly sure where, still figuring that out.  I'll get back to you on that.  Go little cursor go.

soundtrack

Its late, I know, but I am contemplating this idea again, about the soundtrack of my life, and how what I am listening to reflects how I feel at that particular moment, and how hearing those songs again year later evokes so many of the feelings and emotions of those stages in my life. Last year, I was listening to a lot of meloncholy Ingrid Michaelson. I almost can't bear listen to her albums lately because I can literally feel how bad last year was. But when I think about this year, I've been listening a lot to Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson, and Eric Hutchinson, all happy, sweet, and upbeat.  I love the soundtrack of my life right now.