down i go

I went scuba diving today.  I totally didn't expect much from it, I've been diving before, but its been almost 14 years.  David and his siblings gave me a quick crash course, and I remembered mostly everything.  So I wasn't worried...until I got in the water.  I had on David's mom's weight belt, and there was WAY too much weight, and I couldn't keep my head above the water, even with my bc completely filled.  David took some of my weight off and put it on his belt, while that helped, I was still struggling.  I managed though, and we swam out to the reef.  That's when it got scary.  We began to descend, it was only about 15 feet deep, but I sank to the bottom like a rock.  The speed I went down scared me, and I didn't have a chance to equalize my ears, so the pain in them was excruciating, I thought my head was going to explode!  I was totally panicking, and all I wanted to do was ditch the belt, the tank, the bc, everything, and shoot to the surface.  But I didn't.  I am honestly so proud of myself.  I got control of my panic, and talked myself down from the attack.  I took long deep slow breaths and stayed as still as possible until I got my bearings.  A just like that, it was ok.  My fear didn't own me.  Yay, go me!

End

Sometimes things end with a whimper, and that's ok too.

Realization

Surround yourself with people who help make you a better you.  Positive people, with empathy, and understanding and kindness in their hearts.

pondering procrastination

I've noticed that I do it to myself. I am a heavy procratinator.  In a bad way.  Why do today what you can put off until tommorrow?  Its awful.  And it causes me much undue stress.  Stress that chips away at me, my clarity, my resolve.  I need to do something about it.  Its really avoidance after all isn't it?  UGHHHHH.

It all starts with perspective

If you don't have it, get some.  Try to get outside yourself, outside the problem, outside a situation - the view is AMAZING!  You take a step back, you can critically observe what you see, identify what works and what doesn't.   Then write it down.  In a journal.  A log of your joys and disappointments that is outside of your mind and tangible in your hands, that you can look at and analyze like any other piece of literature.  Those are my words of wisdom for the day.

New Years Resolutions - Repost for posterity

Steps in the progression of the Bianca 2.0 process. I think these will make me a better mom, daughter, partner, sister, friend.

1. get to know myself better, I am a pretty cool chick

2. demand the love I deserve.

3. stop wasting time on stuff that doesn't make me happy

4. exorcise those emotional vampires from my life

5. take care of my body, its the only one I have

6. don't sweat the small stuff

7. leave some room for spontaneity

8. work to live, not live to work

9. trust my gut, it tends to be right.