Tugged

Sometimes I feel tugged in a thousand different directions, I have so many obligations, responsibilities to others, and I don't feel like there is enough time in the day to get them all done, much less time for me.  I am a mom, a daughter, a student, a lawyer, a job seeker, a significant other.  Its hard to set priorities because every role demands attention, constantly, I can't slack at any thing.  I am struggling to keep all these balls in the air, and I am so anxious I am going to let one fall.  I know all I can do is take one thing at time, but it stresses me out that its 1:15pm, and I've finished my student, job seeker, mom duty for the morning, but I have a ton of lawyer duty left, and I hate that the most.  Then I have mom duty again, and then student duty tonight.  Its a never ending cycle.  Oh, boo hoo me. LOL  I just need a good night's sleep. 

Finding Direction

So often over the last few years I've talked about wanting to find the old me, the one who had energy and spark, before law school beat it out of me.  Before law school made me a grown up way before I needed or wanted to be.  Why was I in such a hurry to grow up? It seems sometimes that all I did was lose my idealism, and along with it, the belief, true or not, that I could make a difference in the world.  A year ago, I began the process of Bianca 2.0, and its amazing to see, and feel how far I've come.  I wrote once that I felt a cursor, blinkly madly with whole lot of white space in front of me, full of potential with the masterpiece the was about to be left behind.  And for so long, I felt stuck in a major bout of writer's block.  Writer's block of my life, like I was going nowhere, or nowhere I wanted to be.  Crappy place to be.
I am going somewhere now.  Not exactly sure where, still figuring that out.  I'll get back to you on that.  Go little cursor go.

soundtrack

Its late, I know, but I am contemplating this idea again, about the soundtrack of my life, and how what I am listening to reflects how I feel at that particular moment, and how hearing those songs again year later evokes so many of the feelings and emotions of those stages in my life. Last year, I was listening to a lot of meloncholy Ingrid Michaelson. I almost can't bear listen to her albums lately because I can literally feel how bad last year was. But when I think about this year, I've been listening a lot to Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson, and Eric Hutchinson, all happy, sweet, and upbeat.  I love the soundtrack of my life right now.

down i go

I went scuba diving today.  I totally didn't expect much from it, I've been diving before, but its been almost 14 years.  David and his siblings gave me a quick crash course, and I remembered mostly everything.  So I wasn't worried...until I got in the water.  I had on David's mom's weight belt, and there was WAY too much weight, and I couldn't keep my head above the water, even with my bc completely filled.  David took some of my weight off and put it on his belt, while that helped, I was still struggling.  I managed though, and we swam out to the reef.  That's when it got scary.  We began to descend, it was only about 15 feet deep, but I sank to the bottom like a rock.  The speed I went down scared me, and I didn't have a chance to equalize my ears, so the pain in them was excruciating, I thought my head was going to explode!  I was totally panicking, and all I wanted to do was ditch the belt, the tank, the bc, everything, and shoot to the surface.  But I didn't.  I am honestly so proud of myself.  I got control of my panic, and talked myself down from the attack.  I took long deep slow breaths and stayed as still as possible until I got my bearings.  A just like that, it was ok.  My fear didn't own me.  Yay, go me!

End

Sometimes things end with a whimper, and that's ok too.

Realization

Surround yourself with people who help make you a better you.  Positive people, with empathy, and understanding and kindness in their hearts.